Today in daytime television

It's Valentine's Day, there's snow on the ground, I have a cold, and I'm getting bored tucked away inside my apartment. I never watch daytime TV, and most definitely don't watch Dr. Phil, so today, I'm doing both of those things and you, lucky reader, get to read the fruits of my boredom.

Of course, today's Dr. Phil is V-Day themed ("Are you having a little trouble with your Valentine?"), with couples who need some help. The first guests are a guy who loves to deer hunt and the woman who loves him. He usually dumps girlfriends before V-Day and then tries to pick up with them after. Classy. Apparently, during deer season, he spends three months a year out in the woods, during which his girl sees him two days a week. But she's the lucky one, because no other women have made it through hunting season. He got her camouflage seat covers for Christmas. A thoughtful and heartwarming gift for any female. Within 30 seconds of her saying how much she hates the hunting obsession, he turns around and presents her with a ring. Now they're engaged and have gone from the troubled couple to sweet newlyweds-to-be on national television. The issues were glossed over once the big ol' ring came out. And Dr. Phil is giving them flowers from some company, so there's an excellent cross-promotional opportunity built in there. That relationship is clearly going to last forever.

Up next, we have a boring-ass couple. He says the most romantic thing he's ever done for her is throwing her a birthday party at a bowling alley. He proposed over the phone, and says now that he's married, he doesn't have to be romantic anymore because he knows she'll be there anyhow. Their honeymoon was at Oktoberfest, and they watch football on their anniversary. Oh, the dizzying heights of love. So now that the grievances have been aired, let the schmaltz begin. Out come the champagne and chocolate-covered strawberries (all "donated" for an ad mention), the love messages and the sponsored trip to Fiji. No helpful advice, no scolding. The lesson is that throwing money at your problems tends to work just fine (especially for ratings).

I'm afraid of the next segment. Dr. Phil's Prozac-y wife Robin and Stephen Cojocaru (an unfortunate gay Canadian man who works at The Insider and looks like a middle-aged lesbian in a power suit...not a good source of fashion advice) descend upon a school teacher whose husband wants her to dress more sexy. To be fair, she has a pretty horrendous style (sweatpants and flip-flops aren't gonna get you much ass), but they're loading her up with denim skirts and sparkly tank tops. This could go anywhere. And boy, did it. Lord have mercy. They dressed this poor woman up in a tight black skirt and red low-cut shirt (tarty, but doable), but then they topped it off with this big, square-cut, shoulder-padded metallic silver blazer that looks like a refugee from 1992. That, plus the fourteen pounds of lady-primer on her face makes her look like she belongs out on the corner in Lucite heels. Hubby looks like he's logged quite a few hours in titty bars, so he's probably diggin' it. But what?? No champagne or trip to Fiji?? Harsh!

Our next case is a busy wife and mother whose husband complains that she doesn't dress sexy enough at bedtime. A complaint that is not unfounded - she comes to bed in sweatpants and a hoodie. Girl, go get yourself some decent silky pajamas and be done with it. You don't have to wear a corset and fishnets every night. But damn, did they have to go on Dr. Phil to get this advice? Who are these people???

And now for the tidal wave of product plugs for things that you girlies can use to set the mood for your man (or woman) on Valentine's Day. Bath gel, perfume, candles. Duh, duh and duh. And men, you know what women want? Chocolate and cookies! Gwen Stefani and Kate Winslet love the cookies. And jewelry, don't forget jewelry. Charm bracelets in particular. And to nail the final plug, Robin's just written a book. Cha-ching! And for the men, they recommend the Samsung Blackjack. And a belt for golfers that has a built-in a ball-marker and divot fixer. And some sort of subscription to a video game service. Then and of course, and X-Box 360 to play them on. And to capture Valentine's memories, they promote an Hitachi DVD camcorder. The lucky bastards in the audience are catching a windfall today. They're getting one of everything that's been plugged. Damn. Maybe I need to go cringe through a live taping of Dr. Phil sometime myself. Sell that shit and pay the rent. I'd love it if he gave everyone in the audience a live chicken to take home. Now that would earn my regular viewing.

Okay, now they're bringing out Clint Black to sing a love song. I hear twang, so I'm afraid I have to turn the channel.

Next week: identical twins hooked on heroin and married women selling themselves out to sugar daddies. I wonder if they'll be handing out free smack to the audience.