Public Service Announcement: Valentine's Gifts to Avoid

For all the men out there who are searching for a special Valentine's Day gift for your girls - this is not the answer.This model, "Loverboy", is one of the many options waiting for you at the Vermont Teddy Bear Company. I've logged some quality hours in front of the TV this afternoon, and have seen no less than seven of this company's ads. They're particularly annoying because they feature cooey, girly, high-pitched women gushing over one's surprise teddy bear gift in an office setting while all the men who didn't boy bears for their ladies cower in their cubicles. They women are amazed at how it's "oooh, so much bigger than I expected." Seriously. The thing stands 15 inches tall, and costs upwards of $70. The "Red Hot Redneck" bear is $90. Damn, fellas. Take your woman out for a nice dinner (or at least to White Castle) and spring for a good bottle of wine instead of buying one of these stupidly dressed hairballs. It'll make you look like a thoughtless douchebag because you ordered it off the TV...unless she collects teddy bears, and then you have other things to worry about. I'm sure her 22lb cat, Furchild, will love it.

Another no-no is PajamaGram. They're competing with the bears for every available second of TV advertising today. Again, it's an overpriced, last-minute gift that will likely make you look like a inconsiderate douche. They even have a category for "No Brainer Gift Sets". For just $95, you can get a red velour tank top and pants (which cost about $22 at Old Navy), with two cinnamon-scented votive candles. Oh, and some soap. A bargain if I've ever seen one. Everyone woman needs more soap and candles. But to make it extra-special, it comes packed in a hatbox with a "Do Not Disturb" sign and a gift card. They'll probably even type your name in there for you.

A word to the wise...if you want to make your girl feel special, get reservations at a nice, intimate French restaurant, choose a good bottle of Boredeaux and make her feel beautiful. It doesn't take much. And uh, once you get home and things start heating up, throw down in the sack like it's your job. That means the full works, fellas. She'll love you for it.

Public Service Announcement: Empty Subway Cars

If you've recently moved to New York or are preparing to visit, there are a number of helpful things you should know. Subway routes. North, South, East and West. Landmarks. How to tip (if anyone feeds you or moves you from one place to another, give them money). Burgers cost a minimum of $9, even at the divey dives, so don't act all shocked. Beers cost $5 and cocktails are at least $10, and you gotta tip the bar staff extra nice. This isn't the Midwest. You gotta pay to play. But, in your defense, eager tourist or bright-eyed new resident, you can't be expected to know the finer points of taking on the city and keeping your sanity on your first day. To improve the quality of your time here in the Big Apple, The Karma Cycle is henceforth issuing Public Service Announcements to cue you in on the hard-won knowledge that you won't find in guide books or Zagat's.

Today's PSA: If, during peak commuting times, the train is completely stuffed except for one car, DO NOT, under any circumstances, enter the empty car. There is one and only one reason for the lack of passengers. A homeless person has set up residence in said car and is compromising the air quality with his or her body odor and/or stench created from bodily functions.

I made this mistake once as a NYC neophyte and just today saw some unfortunate soul make the same error during the evening rush hour and run gasping for the doors between the cars. The stink had invaded my car too, which was behind the empty one, no doubt due to people escaping the offending vapors. Occasionally, in summer, the air conditioning in a car will break and the car will carry fewer passengers than usual. Even in this situation, there will still be people in the car if the train is crowded. But, to maintain your commuting comfort, choose a different, normally-populated car if possible.

EMPTY SUBWAY CAR = STINKY SUBWAY CAR